EuroEnglish: The New Language of Globalization

Voices

London (March 15) - The European Commission (EC) has announced an agreement whereby English will become the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan for a revised system that would be known as “EuroEnglish.”

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c.” Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favor of the “k.” This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with the “f.” This will make words like “fotograf” 20 percent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptance of the new spelling kan be expekted to grow to the point that more komplikated changes will be possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replacing “the” with “ze” and “w” with “v.”

During ze fifz yer, ze unesary “o” kan be droped from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no more trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

This satirical announcement was culled from the depths of cyberspace.