My review of The Lorax (with apologies to Dr. Seuss)
Original Illustration by Gar Smith
My name is the Lorax and I speak for the trees.
So how’d I get sucked up in Hollywood sleaze?
My message was lost in the Stremulous Stream!
Even Swomee-swans told me to “Get with the Team!”
The Grinch (who stole Christmas) got all the attention
Why TV? Why Movies? Why all this Big Mention?
Because he’s defeated, so Whos can start shopping!
But me? I’m ignored because I’d stop chopping.
So, how come the hokum? Why tell kids to drive
Their parents to buy a Mazda CX-5?
’Cause I am the Lorax! I push SUVs!
(And also IHOP’s “Mac n’ Cheese & Trufula Trees!”)
I once scorned the Once-ler and all his pollution.
But now I’ve been shown there’s another solution:
Grabulous Greed from a thneed is a hoot!
And now I am rolling in Bar-ba-loot loot.
The Humming-fish now know that Rodeo Drive
Is my new habitat and it’s here that I’ll thrive.
My new movie’s loud and it’s filmed in 3-D
(Dumb, Dumb and Dumber, between you and me.)
Instead of just talking, let’s shout, scream and hoot.
Let’s make so much noise we could deafen a Snoot,
Snatch pratfalls and stunts from the Done-before Basket
And pluck our clichés from the Done-to-Death Casket.
I’m a celebrity now meant to prowl upper classes.
My moustache is waxed and I’ve put on dark glasses.
I party at Hard Rock and dress incognito
(I can scrunch down and hide behind Danny DeVito.)
So pour me some vodka with Trufula juice
And please never mention that guy, Dr. Seuss….
Excuse me! That’s Spielberg on line number one.
Love ya, babe! Call me! So long! Gotta run!
Gar Smith is editor emeritus of Earth Island Journal.